Female Bullying

I have never understood why any woman feels the need to bully another woman. Perhaps it has something to do with the way I was raised but I do not see the point. Some women do not hesitate to be nasty to other women. The bullying comes in many forms some of which are oh so subtle at times. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have been victim of this as well as my daughters. Is it jealousy that spurs? It is because they think the other woman weak? Do they really need to knock you down to feel better about themselves? Do they think that sneaking behind your back will not come to light eventually? Do they think lecturing you on something they are guilty of makes their own faults less? I’m pretty open about my opinions but I was taught to keep them to myself when needed. I have had to defend myself to a woman this week when it was not needed and it has left me hurt. I have always been very supportive of my own sex. My grandmothers were strong women. We talked openly about most subjects and those included sex. I see no reason to apologize for who I am or how others perceive me.  I can honestly say I have never bullied another woman. I do not gossip. I have seen gossip destroy lives and I refuse to do it. I am who I am. Like it or leave it.

I think I am going to resume writing here. I miss this blog. There is history here that I do not want to relive but I need to grow and move away from it and the only way is to face all that pain.

Happiness

Have it. Want more of it. I see my world moving forward. Not as quickly as I would like but there ya go.


"Sometimes you just have to jump out the window and grow wings on the way down."
Ray Bradbury

Winter Rose

I have been dreaming about roses. The dreams have been coming for three months. I can smell them in my sleep. I can taste them on my tongue like a drop of rose water. I see them in all colors and sizes and they are all beautiful.

Last night, I dreamt I was a rose. I was covered in snow but still blooming. I felt life coursing through me without a summer sun. I was thriving and beautiful. I've been living in hibernation too long and I'm bursting with life.

This morning, Alan said "You aren't taking my s*** anymore are you? You are growing stronger." Yes, I am.

It's A New Year.

I'm happy to start a new year. I wish it could be with a clean slate but I will learn to use an eraser this year or lose it and hit the chalk board with a water hose!
Resolutions
1. Be happy.
2. Be a better mother, daughter, sister, and friend....ie spend quality time with those I love.
3. Ditch people and situations that are wearing me down and making my life hell. Healthy relationships are the only ones I will allow now..unless it's family...because they are family.
4. Write more.
5. Art Journals....need to get back into this because it makes me sooooo happy.
6. Listen to more music....is this possible..yes...it makes me happy.
7. Relationships...again....file the divorce papers and find someone to spend time with who will be good to me.
8. Take up for myself.....Folks, I am a doormat.
9. Be a nicer person. I am a nice person and an empathetic one but it's not enough.
!0. Find homes for all the animals I have taken in and keep the core pets I love and started with. Fostering means fostering....not keeping.
I promised the girls this morning that things would get better. I keep trying to do this by not hurting anyone but  it's not possible. Hannah will be leaving in 8 months for college. Her words to me this morning..."Mom, you have to fix all this. Me and Kate understand and we can do it. I'll be at college in a few months and things need to be better". Yeah, I'm going to hurt and piss people off to make our lives better.
Job front is good. I wish the job could be full time because working two jobs part time isn't easy. I come home exhausted. I have to say that I work with good people at both jobs. I couldn't be more blessed...honestly. The last few months I have made new friends that I know are keepers. So, I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a train..it's sunshine.

A New Job!

Thanks to Granny Sue, I have a new job! I started on Wednesday and I have been exhausted since but I am soooo happy. The job is a bottom of the ladder job at the local library but I'm okay with that. I have a brain and I will learn the ins and outs of things and work my way up. So, in the past month, I have quit taking Cymbalta and feel pretty normal..it's nice to know your own name without thinking twice to remember it and I have a new job and I'm laughing again. The only wrong thing in all of this is that Alan is still in denial and it's starting to make me very angry that he will not listen to me. He actually told me he liked me better on Cymbalta. Of course he did.
Friends, I can't tell you how good it feels to laugh and smile and except for the times I'm dealing with Alan's denial issues I feel amazing!

Loneliness

I've been thinking about this for months now. I am lonely but is that always such a bad thing? I've had so many things to deal with do I need to address it? I'm not lonely for family or friends but companionship. How do women my age deal with it when they slow down and let it settle in on them? It settles on me when I'm awake in the middle of the night and when I need to make big decisions. Divorce papers are sitting on my desk. Separation has only made me surer of my decision. I am the bad guy.