Loneliness

I've been thinking about this for months now. I am lonely but is that always such a bad thing? I've had so many things to deal with do I need to address it? I'm not lonely for family or friends but companionship. How do women my age deal with it when they slow down and let it settle in on them? It settles on me when I'm awake in the middle of the night and when I need to make big decisions. Divorce papers are sitting on my desk. Separation has only made me surer of my decision. I am the bad guy.

Loneliness

I have friends my age unmarried or married and suffering from loneliness. Oh, we have coworkers, friends and family that we connect to. It's not the same. Need for a connection to a someone is there but no way to fill it. I fill my life with the girls. I watch them maturing in amazement. I see them discovering the dynamics of life at a new level. They aren't my little Barbie/Bratz playing girls any longer. They have curves and know it. I hear snippets of conversations about "hot" guys and I smile. They are beginning to really listen to the lyrics of songs and not just the beat. They notice more than I give them credit. They know I am lonely. So, I am getting encouraged by my own daughters to join "clubs"....LOL. "Club" of choice for them right now is the D.A.R. I mentioned years ago my interest and they have remembered that. I am putting together the paper work. We will see what happens. I have clear lines in three different directions. Hannah wants to join too. She'll be 18 next month and is interested.

Spill the beans....

That's what I need to do...spill the beans. Do people still say that? No idea really. The story is going to be short because it hurts and I'm not good at spreading bad news. The last 18 months with Alan have been hard. I will not blame it completely on him because most of our issues stem from his ex-wife. Five years living under fear of her has left me drained. He will never stand up to her and my children and I are in danger as long as she is a part of our lives. She's tried to kill me, threatened me and my daughters, her current husband tried to ram me and Hannah in a parking lot, poisoned one of our dogs and taken me...yeah me...to court with restraining orders. Alan would never let me report any of her threats. He told me he would leave me if I did. He always wants things to go away but they do not. He is afraid of her. I am afraid of her. God has watched over me and the girls. None of us has been harmed except emotionally. My ex-husband has been great to back me up with all of this. I could have lost my own girls if he had wanted to get them out of the situation. He trusted me to keep them safe.

Alan is a good man but I had a choice to make between him and my girls. I have lost all respect for him. That is the hardest part of all of this. He will never stand up to her. He has told me he can't do it. He's afraid of her and wants to keep her happy so there's no fighting. If I fight the battles then he will leave me. There is no winner in this situation.